The Dream of the Lonely

I would give you my dreams
If you gave me just a bit of yours
I would give you my time
If you gave me just a bit of yours
I would give you my strength
If you gave me just a bit of yours
I would give you my thoughts
If you gave me just a bit of yours
I would give you my love
If you gave me just a bit of yours
I would give all
To bring reality to these dreams
As would everyone, who wants someone
Will take anyone, but gets no one
For this endless dream, is only a dream
But the dream of the lonely, nonetheless

"To be despised, to be loved
To be dreamt of, to be sought
On the inside I don't care
Be my unholy, my one and my only."

One moment for soft falling snow

It all comes down to one moment
She forget's where she is and forgets to feel trapped, losted, and alone
For that one moment it is just her and the soft falling snow
Like powdered sugar dusted on pastries, she thinks
But slower and more transfixing
She focuses on it and finds that this one moment could be a much more
A symbol of a memory, a life, and everything in that snow
She feels the evergreen trees, the brisk winter air, and holiday spirit
It is a whole new world as far as she can see
She feels it just beyond the window
All in one moment
But it is only one moment she needs for that soft falling snow

Unique Force of Nature

Dedicated to Kaycee the most unique person I know who is definately like a storm :P

Ba- duh

Ba- duh

Ba- duh

Ba-duh

Ba-duh

Ba -duh

Heart beats grow soft as we pace through the halls

Fluid and unnoticed

Like a motion of the wind

Blending into brand names and trends

An outrageous blandness that is so conformed

The individuality is dead...

A flutter of a pulse seems to stir the crowd...

In blows a storm

She looks like anyone else, but you will soon find she is not

She tears the room's silence to pieces

Leaving the empty shells of people to break into smiles

Their souls break loose and splatter the walls with color

Personality bursts from this storm

-It's music, tattoos, and the craziest of ideas-

And it crashes down around everyone

Unignorable, unattainable, and the center of the stillness

Her eyes hold the images she sees in an intense gaze. Looking into them, her soul appears empty. She is watching, waiting. She touches the window glass to feel the coolness of the rain outside. She breathes in the smell of rain and holds it. Remebering and pondering, past and future. Only to be captured in the present. She grabs at every moment every second, trying not to miss what she left behind or what she is heading towards. She exhales. Her sigh releases her breath like fog onto the glass. She hears silence. Then she listens to it. She steps into the fading rain. It raps her in sticky mist as she sinks to her ground of weeds. Her garden. Her flowers may never come, but the weeds have their own beauty. She looks to them in hope and wonders can they be something more? What you want and what you get are worlds apart. And she knows that true appreciation is liking what you get, not just what you want.
She rolls over onto her stomache and lets her fingers feel the movement in the ground. There is no one near. She breathes her secrets into the drying air. Her happiness, saddness, loneliness, dreams and hopes. They scatter like little butterflies carrying her away in pieces. The good thing about speaking out loud is pretending that someone is listening.
Her ears perk at the sound of russelling grass. She sees nothing. She shuts her eyes to imagine that someone is there waiting for her. Watching over her.
She dreams her little butterflies will carry her message to angels in the sky.
A tear slips from her eye lid. She hopes for the angels but has no real faith in them.
She dreams because that is the best thing she can do. She smiles because she still has those dreams.
She spares a thought for the emptiness and the silence... before she shakes it off.
She rises from the ground to face the world.
"There is nothing like returning to a place that remians unchanged to find the ways in which you yourself have altered." - Nelson Mandela

What I Forgot

I was engrossed in writing about all the people that I "re-met" that I forgot something. It's kind of random, but it's kind of what I learned from that hollow-eyed girl.
So what I had written...
"There was this other girl who was very quiet. She barely talked to me even though we sat like next to each other the whole year (in seventh grade). I used to try to talk to her once in a while. She was clearly a nice person. But she had this hollow look in her eyes sometimes... it really scared me. She was like empty... or not even seeing you there. Then she turned out to be the only person I knew in my first two classes last semester. Now we are best friends!"
What I need to add in:
When she always looked at me like that I wondered what she thought of me. I was looking for what judgment she placed on me. Then when I got to know her it dawned on me. Most people, myself included, are used to stereotypes, but I think that look she gave me was empty because she hadn't judged me. And that may be because of our lack of conversation or perhaps neither or us seemed to find it important to get to know each other. But I guess I only realized a while ago that about 2 years ago she was not thinking I was strange and weird like I thought.

People Will Surprise You...

I've met too many people that I could never imagine knowing the way I do now. Well... meaning when I first met them I wouldn't have pictured things the way they are now.
Like this one girl, was totally vicious to me! She liked hated me when we were 8. At the beginning of this year I met her again (she had moved away) and I recognized her so I decided to say hi. Now we hang out a lot! She's pretty sweet, so she's easy to hang out with.

Then there was this popular girl who well I barely ever talked to (I wonder why...) and last semester in gym class we were talking and she says, "I heard you didn't like me." I wanted to say "I don't even know you!" I kind of thought that she was a "follow the grapevine type" other than that I barely have an opinion on her. But I am guilty of thinking that we were likely to be polar opposites. Then this semester I ended up grouped with her for a project. No big deal I guess. Except... no one other then the two of us were present on the day we had to work on the project in class. There wasn't a lot to do, so we ended up talking quite a bit. I figured she's okay. Then that question came up. She asked "So do you like anybody?" I never got why people other then like best/ really close friends would care. Either way I said yes. My first instinct is to respond truthfully, my second (and slower) reaction is to lie if I have to. I had no intention of telling her his name. But she guessed it. I never in a million years would have thought she would have guessed it right! She said his name and no jokes I fell off my chair! Funny thing is ... she likes him too! which I also would have never guessed

Hahahaha :(

There was this other girl who was very quiet. She barely talked to me even though we sat very close to each other the whole year in seventh grade. I used to try to talk to her once in a while. She was clearly a nice person. But she had this hollow look in her eyes sometimes... it really scared me. She was like empty... or not even seeing you there. Then she turned out to be the only person I knew in my first two classes last semester. Now we are best friends!

Of course on the sad side then my best friends from when I was eight might not be my best friends anymore. Well one of them certainly isn't. I have no idea about the other one... but I still want to be her friend. Ironically this one friend I met at a summer camp when I was new in town. Then before my first day of school I wished on a star that at school there would be someone I already knew... to make it easier. I couldn't believe it when I saw her. I was shocked and happy. Mostly happy of course. A little girl will take any miracle.

Ah well, the world just keeps on spinning.

Touching Glass Windows

Have you ever touched glass?
And it felt so warm?
I can see right through it... and most times I simply do
But I don't look at it
Because it must be translucent and devoid of substance
Nothing of importance to acknowledge
But when it's so warm I realize
It did what I could never do...
It caught the sun
I can see the sun when I look in it
And I feel it's fire
But I could never reflect the sun's light like that...

Have you ever touched glass?
And it looked so wet and felt so cold?
When it's so wet I realize
It did what I could never do...
It caught the rain
With every little droplet clinging on to it
And I feel every drop that is the rain's kiss
But I could never catch that gentle rain's touch and hold it forever
I can not be more than just me

Becoming Past Tense

What happened to what was?
Why does it seem there is no will be?
I understand that there is a power of now... but even that is slipping through the cracks
I can practical still feel the memories of long long phone conversations that went until curfew and we had no idea why we called... we just came to each other naturally
We made up stories of fantasies... of what we wanted
We imagined being sisters and never losing sight of that
We kept no secrets
I knew you as much as I knew me
I could blame me or just time altogether
This day a few years ago was my last day
I woke up and disappeared just before turning twelve and I lost you amongst other people
The worst part of it is that you are still so close by
Does it have to turn into just memories and pictures
These past things?
Weren't we going to be friends forever?

Wake Up

Confusion hovers overhead
As she rises to greet the sun
She trys to piece her nights events into one
She struggles under her own weighing dreams
That make little sense
She looks for clues of her mistakes
To find her answers everywhere
She's gone and done it again
How will she fix this?
Her sticky mess is not reversible
But like all things you can't undo
There is always a way to hide them
If she pulls her self together she can turn it all around
If only she didn't wake up
She would have been safe for a little longer
Stop the pain of nightmares unleashed into her reality
But she can't hold back
She must give in
It's much to late now
She's awake and it's over
But it's only just begun
Time pulls back only to slam forward
And jerk her around
She trys to think clearly, though it's so hard
She woke up to a new day
The party is over and the fun gone
Only mistakes color her walls red

To A Friend

Is it true? What I see in you? Are you sad because of all the things you can never let out... The things that build up inside and add to the pressure

I can't understand much...But if you're hurt, that's enough for me to know. You may never read this, or know that I wished this...

But I wish you the best

I wish your hopes and dreams turn into your future

I hope everything you've ever wanted will come to you with ease now

Because you've done more then enough to recieve it already

You've helped me more then you could know

And I don't think I've ever been there for you

You may be breaking

or broken...

or just wise...

Because you grow silent and have few words of complaint.

Maybe I'm just crazy... for thinking what I do

I hope your happy for now and forever

I've always been selfish, though I don't mean to be

But right now I would rather wish that all the pain I see

In your eyes would disappear...

The End

The thing that gets me about books and shows, is the end. When I finish watching or reading a series I kind of can't believe it's done. For a while it's the only thing that occupies the empty space at the back of mind... meaning that even when I'm not fully thinking about it, I'm still thinking about it.
Especially with books. I read the last page and then flip to the blank pages after. I wonder what happens now. That's what is so strange. In real life there is never a time that we make one decision, one move, or take one step and it's over. No 'and they lived happily ever after and nothing bothered them again.' We can't make problems disappear and then fade off into the sun and forget about it. Our hearts could never be so automatic. The only end could be death. Couldn't it? Unless you believe there is something that follows... like after life.
But is there ever really a time in real life where someone can say that chapter of life is closed... move on and never think of it again. How can you never think of it again? The future can echo the past. There is no way of knowing if something is truly done and over.
One problem may be solved but there are more to come. That's always true. Tomorrow is not a promise... but a likely dream.
It's not a bad thing. What would life be without drama? Peacefully boring all the same.
Every action as a reaction. There are few ends. That's why it's called the CIRCLE of life. It just flows onward. No pauses or zooming out into the distance. Don't count on the black screen and credits to draw the curtains...
Didn't Adam think when he went to sleep the first night, that he would never wake up again? He discovered the beauty of tomorrow.

Of waking up to a new day that saves our yesterdays and promises our tomorrows... to start over with out erasing the old mistakes...

Make a small mistake and leave it... You can't get up without falling first.

He Doesn't Know

He doesn't know what I feel when I pass him by. He doesn't know that my heart stops beating and I try not to gasp. Just the sight of him takes my breath away... and makes me want to cry. Because I can never run into his arms and cry... and ask him to hold me forever. And be there forever. Not be like the other people who have left me alone. But he walks on by without even looking at me. The girl invisible to his eyes. He was much too good for me anyway... possibly because I only saw him from the pedastool I put him on. And he will never even know me... or that I was crazy about him. That I am giving up because it's crazy to want what can never be.
So next time I look into his blue eyes and he only sees the girl in his way... not the girl of his dreams... I'll smile to say I won't cry anymore, but I wish I could have known you. If we had shared secrets and laughs about the things running through our heads... and woken up just to see each other... and gone to sleep just to dream of each other... I would have been happy. But what was not even that... so small in comparison... was taken away... so I give up him... and leave him in peace.

Free Fall

If life were like an air tight bag we wouldn't be able to move at our will. We would suffocate under the pressure... just waiting to burst.

Then we would empty out.

But....when you free fall, nothing holds you down. Or pins you back.

But are you taking control?

Or are you giving in? Letting life take you for a spin.

Without taking it yourself.

Killing time with nothing. Letting yourself go.

Or are you breaking free from it? Thinking on your own account.

Letting the colors sink in. The wind wash over. So the ground can break your fall when you want it to.

Or you can grab hold of the hands that reach out, if you want to find the surface.

Or hit the ground.

Will you hit the ground running, have a plan. What comes next?

Is it a waste of time to fill your head with thoughts of promises, philosophies, fantasies, and goals for the future...that mean nothing. Or everything.

Wonder why and demand an answer.

Don't do what you're told just because.

Find the words you always wanted to say. The speech you wanted to give.

Even if you choke.

Get it out to someone.

Even in your last breaths.

Free fall...