I've just been thinking... about people. And this stems from a darker moment of mine I suppose. Earlier this week... I was just very lonely I guess. Yes, let's put it down to that, it's simplest. And I needed to speak to someone.. but people were busy, studying, or maybe not awake yet. So... while I'm not proud to admit it... (even though I don't think there is anything wrong with it)... I called Kids Help Phone. Now this was actually a very good idea. And soon the confused and uncertain feeling inside of me was dissolving into tears as I spoke to this stranger.
But see this stranger, I felt was very important. We spoke for a while, not just about myself, but him as well. How he'd lost his mother, and how he was going to have a quite Christmas. I'm not saying that this was life changing, but in 45 minutes a stranger had learned some of the most intimate details of my life, told me his, and even helped me cope. All I know is that his name is Leroy... and I probably won't even speak to him again... I won't be able to even thank him.
The revelation that came from this was came from the fact I found myself constantly saying his name... I'd whisper it, enunciate it, sometimes it was like I was chewing on it... tasting it. I realized I was trying not to forget it. And I'm probably half writing about Leroy now so I will never forget to be grateful to this stranger who was in my life for not even a day or even an hour.
Then I got to thinking about my high school friends. How this is my last year with them in school. Things are about to change and I wonder if we'll still talk? I promise not to loose touch and so do they. But how many times do people hear these promises but they don't get kept? I hear it all the time... because there are so many people, so many friends, how do you remember all of them? Hold onto that bond? Is it out of your hands? Through the course of high school, I already am forgetting those kids I met in my first year, those whom I had one or two classes with and never spoke to again. I wonder if they remember me, or ever think of the times we had together. Even if it was just though simple science or math classes.
Already I've let so many people pass by from YRPC... MEI... the friendships linger and fade. But I think these friends I have at school are different. I don't want to be old and grey somewhere thinking back on these people and wondering what there lives have become. I want them to be next to me.
There are kids from the elementary I went to in Kitchener that I still think of. Recently I found some of them on facebook and was amazed at how different they looked, the people they'd become. I don't want that to be my fate with these friends. I will surely meet new people. But if you knew how much I loved these girls... well... then you would know this is different.
There is something to be said about time and impact... and circumstance too. I couldn't continue to know Leroy even though I may think it would be nice. And there were passers-by but not any one I believe I love very strongly. I may have shared a roof, food, and tears with the YRPC and MEI kids... and yes, memories... a great closeness in a short period of time. That's what keep me in touch with them. The fact that it is not constant I blame on time and proximity. They are far away and the amount of time I had with them wasn't enough to make me feel I need them
But the friends I have from school? They're my girls, and I know that I would miss them.
I can only go so long with out my phone conversations with Mel, my advice from Sam, Kim's understanding and her music, Sab's humour and sweet nature, Krista's smile and ability to share her light-heartedness, and Ashley's kindness and strength. All of that history...
When I am 80, these four years may seem like a fleeting glance... It will become only a twentieth of my life. But say I died tomorrow... Yes, that's morbid. But right now, at just under 18, these four years make up nearly a quarter of my life. More importantly it's my present. It's what consumes me.
There is nothing more important to me than the things that make me happy right now. So I don't care if the distance is 6 hours or 12 or more, I won't let these precious things -these memories, this love- fade away.
11/21/10
You are
The risk I'm not willing to make
The breathe I've been waiting to take
The dream I've been dying to live
The sacrifice I just can't give
The words I need to say
And the price I can't pay
How are you all I need right now, all I've wanted, but everything I can't have?
I thought I was level headed and had more resolve than this, but I still let you hold me, I still spend my days talking to you constantly... I laugh with you and cry for you. It makes me sadder than I ever thought I'd be because it feels like you're mine but you aren't, you can't be. But I wish you were... I hate this situation.
------
www.youtube.com/watch?v=a4_woZ-LUvM Exactly how I feel right now... without the happiness of it.
The breathe I've been waiting to take
The dream I've been dying to live
The sacrifice I just can't give
The words I need to say
And the price I can't pay
How are you all I need right now, all I've wanted, but everything I can't have?
I thought I was level headed and had more resolve than this, but I still let you hold me, I still spend my days talking to you constantly... I laugh with you and cry for you. It makes me sadder than I ever thought I'd be because it feels like you're mine but you aren't, you can't be. But I wish you were... I hate this situation.
------
www.youtube.com/watch?v=a4_woZ-LUvM Exactly how I feel right now... without the happiness of it.
6/11/10
Childhood Is Calling
They were in the middle of the road, screaming and yelling... playing, like only they can.
A bike scattered here, a basketball over there.
But they moved when they saw us, and I watched them as I passed by.
I liked being there. On the outside looking in...
Into their lives of laughter and play.
I breathe in... smell that? It's spring.
Fresh grass, stained on your faded jeans. Flower petals in your hair.
I remember.
Everything was so new, a discovery
Wonder was easily fulfilled with my findings
But at the same time the curiousity never stopped growing
To be free was as simple as to run or jump
Soar in the air with your arms outstretched
You're an aeroplane. A bird. Anything.
I watch these children for only a few seconds
Do you think they realise what they have right now... that this happens only once?
I wonder.
A bike scattered here, a basketball over there.
But they moved when they saw us, and I watched them as I passed by.
I liked being there. On the outside looking in...
Into their lives of laughter and play.
I breathe in... smell that? It's spring.
Fresh grass, stained on your faded jeans. Flower petals in your hair.
I remember.
Everything was so new, a discovery
Wonder was easily fulfilled with my findings
But at the same time the curiousity never stopped growing
To be free was as simple as to run or jump
Soar in the air with your arms outstretched
You're an aeroplane. A bird. Anything.
I watch these children for only a few seconds
Do you think they realise what they have right now... that this happens only once?
I wonder.
6/7/10
Priceless
"Water, 35 litres. Carbon, 20kg. Ammonia, 4 litres. Lime, 1.5kg. Phosperus, 800g. Salt, 250 g. Niter, 100g. Sulphur, 80g. Fluorine, 7.5g. Iron, 5g. Silicon 3g. And fifteen other elements. Those are the elements to make an average adult human body. You can buy these elemental ingredients at the market with the pocket money of a child. Humans are made so cheaply." -Fullmetal Alchemist
It's a funny thing to look into someone's eyes and see yourself. Like, wow... there I am, in that person's pupil. I mean... we don't see ourselves except when we look into a mirror. It's like our names, we always hear them, but don't usually say them.
And then we're completely obsessed with how we look and having titles. Being successful, being a particular face and a recognizable name.
I am this. And that. ... A (insert job title here). Their (insert relation here). A picture, a label.
As if that could satisfy the quest to find ourselves... I think we deserve higher status than a soup can.
We're so much more than names and faces. We're more than even people. We are opinions, we are emotions, we are secrets. It makes everything so interesting...
I mean, I appreciate science, but sometimes I find that people ask 'why?' too much. And usually it's the scientists. While studying evolution in school, a girl just said, 'I'm against this just because not everything should be explained.' I really got why she'd say that. I think appreciating things simply as they are has something precious to it. It's the beauty behind magic, you know? Not knowing makes it all the more wonderous.
That's why a soul is so transfixing. Because you don't know what it is, how to make it, how to break it, or why we have it. It keeps you alive though, like really alive. It makes all the difference between blankly just staring at something and really seeing it. What makes all that happen? I sure don't know. But that's just why it's magical. I think it's the only thing keeping us from being cheap.
It's what makes us... us.
The quote above is from an anime I love. Basically the speaker is pointing out how you should be able to make humans just like you might bake a cake. As if it were that simple. But, while our bodies may be cheap, we as people are not. We have minds and souls and hearts. None of which is tangible. Sure, you have a tangible heart that pumps blood, but doesn't love, and a tangible brain that controls our body, but isn't curious.
Maybe that doesn't bring you any closer to knowing who you really are, or where you're supposed to go in life... but I think it makes not knowing all of it feel a bit more okay.
I think it makes it okay to say, 'I am simply me.' I think it makes us priceless.
It's a funny thing to look into someone's eyes and see yourself. Like, wow... there I am, in that person's pupil. I mean... we don't see ourselves except when we look into a mirror. It's like our names, we always hear them, but don't usually say them.
And then we're completely obsessed with how we look and having titles. Being successful, being a particular face and a recognizable name.
I am this. And that. ... A (insert job title here)
As if that could satisfy the quest to find ourselves... I think we deserve higher status than a soup can.
We're so much more than names and faces. We're more than even people. We are opinions, we are emotions, we are secrets. It makes everything so interesting...
I mean, I appreciate science, but sometimes I find that people ask 'why?' too much. And usually it's the scientists. While studying evolution in school, a girl just said, 'I'm against this just because not everything should be explained.' I really got why she'd say that. I think appreciating things simply as they are has something precious to it. It's the beauty behind magic, you know? Not knowing makes it all the more wonderous.
That's why a soul is so transfixing. Because you don't know what it is, how to make it, how to break it, or why we have it. It keeps you alive though, like really alive. It makes all the difference between blankly just staring at something and really seeing it. What makes all that happen? I sure don't know. But that's just why it's magical. I think it's the only thing keeping us from being cheap.
It's what makes us... us.
The quote above is from an anime I love. Basically the speaker is pointing out how you should be able to make humans just like you might bake a cake. As if it were that simple. But, while our bodies may be cheap, we as people are not. We have minds and souls and hearts. None of which is tangible. Sure, you have a tangible heart that pumps blood, but doesn't love, and a tangible brain that controls our body, but isn't curious.
Maybe that doesn't bring you any closer to knowing who you really are, or where you're supposed to go in life... but I think it makes not knowing all of it feel a bit more okay.
I think it makes it okay to say, 'I am simply me.' I think it makes us priceless.
5/24/10
Errmmm
You know that feeling
Like if someone asks you how you feel
You wouldn't know what to say...
You put a song on repeat
And start to think...
Before you know it, you're smiling
Or maybe you're crying
It's like having your voice caught in your throat
When someone is saying something really important to you
And you want to say something back so desperately
But you can't
You're practically screaming
Only... there's no noise
But that's the feeling
But not really
It's just how you get there
It's not being able to feel anything one moment
And then feeling it the next
It pops up on you
And you're surprised by it...
It's the guilt you feel years later when you realize you're wrong
It's the happiness that results from mundane but nostalgic memories
It's the day you wake up and have to cry without reason
It's the smile on your face that you can't explain
Like if someone asks you how you feel
You wouldn't know what to say...
You put a song on repeat
And start to think...
Before you know it, you're smiling
Or maybe you're crying
It's like having your voice caught in your throat
When someone is saying something really important to you
And you want to say something back so desperately
But you can't
You're practically screaming
Only... there's no noise
But that's the feeling
But not really
It's just how you get there
It's not being able to feel anything one moment
And then feeling it the next
It pops up on you
And you're surprised by it...
It's the guilt you feel years later when you realize you're wrong
It's the happiness that results from mundane but nostalgic memories
It's the day you wake up and have to cry without reason
It's the smile on your face that you can't explain
5/16/10
Lonely In A Crowd
They're moving by so swiftly, so silently- not acknowledging me. I try to smile but they don't see, I stretch out a hand that no one takes.
It's a blur. The voices and sounds and bodies touching, pressing against each other as their lives intersect. Footsteps deepen, as one by one, they are filled with new feet, walking the same path, the same decision, the same mistake.
We are so close, so similar, how are we so far... so disconnected?
I will never see exactly what you see, feel exactly how you feel, know exactly what you think, so can I ever say that I truly know you? Can you ever say you know me?
Or are we all forsaken be alone...
We are born alone, we die alone... but does that mean we live alone?
It's a blur. The voices and sounds and bodies touching, pressing against each other as their lives intersect. Footsteps deepen, as one by one, they are filled with new feet, walking the same path, the same decision, the same mistake.
We are so close, so similar, how are we so far... so disconnected?
I will never see exactly what you see, feel exactly how you feel, know exactly what you think, so can I ever say that I truly know you? Can you ever say you know me?
Or are we all forsaken be alone...
We are born alone, we die alone... but does that mean we live alone?
5/2/10
Release
You know what's the worst feeling? It's feeling like you are on top of the world, above the clouds, soaring above it all, only to come crashing down and feel terrible. Because then... you don't want to trust that feeling again, and when you get it, you walk away thinking that the roller coaster just went up so now it must come down.
I always say I want to free fall, and I do. The thing is, I don't want to hit rock bottom. I would love to keep falling though. When you're going down it means you know what's about to happen- no surprises. Don't worry, shhh, don't be scared.
While you're falling it's all fading away, sliding off of your body, those layers, that baggage. It'll dissolve and turn into nothing and leave you bare. Those burdens... they'll ease right off your shoulders.
Don't fight gravity, give in.
Sigh. Release your breath. You're not up, and you're not down... just in between... where it's safe.
You are completely safe to feel nothing.
I always say I want to free fall, and I do. The thing is, I don't want to hit rock bottom. I would love to keep falling though. When you're going down it means you know what's about to happen- no surprises. Don't worry, shhh, don't be scared.
While you're falling it's all fading away, sliding off of your body, those layers, that baggage. It'll dissolve and turn into nothing and leave you bare. Those burdens... they'll ease right off your shoulders.
Don't fight gravity, give in.
Sigh. Release your breath. You're not up, and you're not down... just in between... where it's safe.
You are completely safe to feel nothing.
3/4/10
Untitled
And sometimes you feel blank. Not raw and brimming with emotion, but empty, bored, like an eraser rubbed away to the end. Faded, fading, going, gone. Disappearing into nothing.
Those canvases are open whiteness, with only microscopic lines stretching over their surface. Paint smooths over the rough edges, a delicate edition that becomes everything. This drop, this spot, what is it? But, compelled, we stare at it, deciphering it. The plain canvas, etched with fine lines, detailed in rough texture, is nothing. It is blank. Not colourful and eye-catching.
But, fixated only with what is there, the travellers gather. Their thirst is quenched with art, music, words, faces, people, places- the tangible and sensory thrills. Explorers scrounge the world to see the unseen but see not what they have. There is no appreciation for the silent and the still. Muted, deafened, and blind we stand to simplicity.
Always running, never walking, we pass our lives. Searching and finding, but not retaining. We dread the stillness of our beings when we are untouched by life's flavours, because then we can not even fathom the difference between such an unmotivated life and quiet death.
But sometimes, we feel blank.
Those canvases are open whiteness, with only microscopic lines stretching over their surface. Paint smooths over the rough edges, a delicate edition that becomes everything. This drop, this spot, what is it? But, compelled, we stare at it, deciphering it. The plain canvas, etched with fine lines, detailed in rough texture, is nothing. It is blank. Not colourful and eye-catching.
But, fixated only with what is there, the travellers gather. Their thirst is quenched with art, music, words, faces, people, places- the tangible and sensory thrills. Explorers scrounge the world to see the unseen but see not what they have. There is no appreciation for the silent and the still. Muted, deafened, and blind we stand to simplicity.
Always running, never walking, we pass our lives. Searching and finding, but not retaining. We dread the stillness of our beings when we are untouched by life's flavours, because then we can not even fathom the difference between such an unmotivated life and quiet death.
But sometimes, we feel blank.
2/6/10
Going Nowhere... Or Anywhere?
Time plays many games and makes me ask so many questions.
Have I lost my way? Did I ever really have a way? A path which I was on. I don't think I ever did. Then I got on one... but it wasn't good. Now I've hopped off and I am in the middle of nowhere. Am I going nowhere? I'd like to think I'm going anywhere. I may be uncertain, but I'd like to think it means my options are wide open, not that I don't have any.
Is that okay? Am I allowed? Or do I have to make choices? Say 'yes' or 'no', 'love' or 'hate', 'bad' or 'good'. Do I have to have to color my world in black and white?
Can I keep my old plans and my new ones? Fuse my worlds together and let them overlap?
Do I have to take a fresh start? Do I keep going that old way? Where now, from here?
Have I lost my way? Did I ever really have a way? A path which I was on. I don't think I ever did. Then I got on one... but it wasn't good. Now I've hopped off and I am in the middle of nowhere. Am I going nowhere? I'd like to think I'm going anywhere. I may be uncertain, but I'd like to think it means my options are wide open, not that I don't have any.
Is that okay? Am I allowed? Or do I have to make choices? Say 'yes' or 'no', 'love' or 'hate', 'bad' or 'good'. Do I have to have to color my world in black and white?
Can I keep my old plans and my new ones? Fuse my worlds together and let them overlap?
Do I have to take a fresh start? Do I keep going that old way? Where now, from here?
1/26/10
Things Work In Funny Ways
It's way to easy to be jealous about other people's live, the things they have, and the qualities they possess, but too hard to remember those which you have and should be grateful for. It's so simple to fall at the hands of defeat through stress, pressure, worries, and fear, but not easy enough to keep standing strong -or even get up again- for belief, hope, and morals. It's normal to expect the worst, to be a pessimist, and to find reason to hate it all, however, very rare to see the hope and light, to be an optimist, and to find reasons to love it all.
It's easy to complain, hard to change...
Effortless to take, but difficult to give...
Second nature to walk away, but inconvenient to lend a hand...
It's just fine to demand, but never comply...
Simple to fall, challenging to run...
Convenient to support oneself, but problematic to carry another...
Easy to hate, hard to love...
The list goes on... it's sad but it's true. It's terrible that sometimes we give in to these things, but the best part is, sometimes we don't. Sometimes we know about the paradox of our actions and we force ourselves to change. I guess it's amazing really, because it brings new meaning to the value of the things you work for. I'm sure that I for one appreciate things more in life that I learned were essential for me to be without and initially took for granted. I believe I am stronger for being weak, happier for being sad, more giving for being demanding and kinder for being cruel. I'm sure I have ways to go on the path of righteousness, but I'm also sure my flaws will help me find the way.
It's easy to complain, hard to change...
Effortless to take, but difficult to give...
Second nature to walk away, but inconvenient to lend a hand...
It's just fine to demand, but never comply...
Simple to fall, challenging to run...
Convenient to support oneself, but problematic to carry another...
Easy to hate, hard to love...
The list goes on... it's sad but it's true. It's terrible that sometimes we give in to these things, but the best part is, sometimes we don't. Sometimes we know about the paradox of our actions and we force ourselves to change. I guess it's amazing really, because it brings new meaning to the value of the things you work for. I'm sure that I for one appreciate things more in life that I learned were essential for me to be without and initially took for granted. I believe I am stronger for being weak, happier for being sad, more giving for being demanding and kinder for being cruel. I'm sure I have ways to go on the path of righteousness, but I'm also sure my flaws will help me find the way.
1/11/10
There's A Monster In The Closet
I can't move, I can't even breathe
My throat is closing up and my limbs are growing numb
This fear is swallowing me up
Because there's a monster in the closet
I bet it's terrible and horrible
Most certainly, the scariest thing there is to see
It's horrendously evil, and powerful too
He could tear me to shreds, that I do not doubt
I feel myself shrinking
The weight of my fear growing
With every bit it does I am fading
Because of this monster in the closet
----------------------------------------
I wrote this because I had a funny little childish moment. I was shutting my closet door when I thought I saw a... thing, or maybe a monster, inside. I figured of course it was just a shadow. But, I just wanted to laugh at myself for automatically jumping to fear, playing up the frightening possiblities of what is probably nothing. Maybe I'm not afraid of the monster in my closet anymore (or at least not all the time) but I still find myself doing a double take on life and being afraid of things that are not so scary. I let myself build the fear up and let it just take over. I would bet that maybe everyone has a couple monsters in their closet. And one day, those monsters will have become something to laugh at... because they were really never so scary.
My throat is closing up and my limbs are growing numb
This fear is swallowing me up
Because there's a monster in the closet
I bet it's terrible and horrible
Most certainly, the scariest thing there is to see
It's horrendously evil, and powerful too
He could tear me to shreds, that I do not doubt
I feel myself shrinking
The weight of my fear growing
With every bit it does I am fading
Because of this monster in the closet
----------------------------------------
I wrote this because I had a funny little childish moment. I was shutting my closet door when I thought I saw a... thing, or maybe a monster, inside. I figured of course it was just a shadow. But, I just wanted to laugh at myself for automatically jumping to fear, playing up the frightening possiblities of what is probably nothing. Maybe I'm not afraid of the monster in my closet anymore (or at least not all the time) but I still find myself doing a double take on life and being afraid of things that are not so scary. I let myself build the fear up and let it just take over. I would bet that maybe everyone has a couple monsters in their closet. And one day, those monsters will have become something to laugh at... because they were really never so scary.
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