I Want To Go There Too!

http://iwastesomuchtime.com/on/?i=14925#disqus_thread

Trinity College in Dublin, Ireland... bucketlisted.

On my mind

I wish I knew who you were because you're always there. I've noticed that I liked to add a face and a name to this feeling that you are.
Right now you're blonde and honestly quite beautiful.
Seeing you makes me feel all that crap... pathetic, weak, physically incapable... mentally incapable... socially lacking... not beautiful. You know?
I wish I could say this in pretty words. And that I knew how to not use cliches...
I think I like stream of consciousness.... Can you tell?
Out loud I whine too much.
I like the way your body hunches- your back curving in an arch- as you take a hit. As you straighten, you let the smoke out slow... look out through it. Probably cause you miss her, the one who's in the only picture you own.
I like how you moved me, you touched me and put your arms around me.
I liked it because it was the one place I could feel weak and as if I was supposed to. But it hurt afterwards... knowing I just let you use me. Or think about using me... only to realize you didn't even want to.
I liked the way you got serious... searched my eyes even though they were barely open.
I don't like that you thought better of it... what you would have done. I don't like knowing that while I was there you were only thinking about her.
Do you even know me? That I was the one there?
I like how you put your head on my shoulder even after I pulled away. Like you needed me. Or maybe even wanted me.
I like how I could turn into your arm when I got scared and you turned toward me too, your body folding in, curving over... as if you would've protected me.
I don't know why I like you... for reminding me I'm weak. Pathetic. Unwanted.
When will I be strong?
Why do I like the pain?
When can I leave behind this... damage? The damage I put on myself.
I want to be strong.
I don't want to be knocked over, thrown against walls, have people worry about hurting me... because I'm less capable than average. To be humoured or filled with adoration for the childishness they see in me.
I wanted to be stronger than my spite, over the past, reminded of what I can do.
I write. At least to express myself.
I can bend over backwards and touch my tongue to my nose.
Sometimes I make people laugh or feel better.
I can make myself feel better and sometimes catch myself when I'm beginning to think negatively. I didn't use to be able to do that.
I have a decent sense of music and style. If I do say so myself.
I say no to the scissors. And I'm saying no to the voice that says yes. Right now.
I am loved.
I sleep alone everyday even though it breaks me a little knowing no ones there.
I will soon look at you and say I don't need you, and I understand you never meant to hurt me... and that you didn't really because you had no idea that I felt this way.
I will come to terms with the fact that you searched my eyes for her, and you looked for her trying to get to her, putting your head back down when you didn't find her coming back. When you found I couldn't be her.
I will learn not to be hurt by other people's pain in a way that brings out my own. Instead I will be hurt for them... Like I think I used to.
I will learn to love again... because I've learned hatred too easily... because I've learned to call upon it too easily and use it to push the good things out of my life.
I will wake up... without the sun. The blinds closed and in the darkness. It won't hurt me anymore.
I know I feel too deeply, especially when it hurts. But sometimes feeling deeply is the best thing about me.
I won't use pills, scissors, pain, anger, or hatred. That's the feeling that you are.... and you're on my mind.
But I've reminded myself that there are positive things on my mind too. I am stronger than this.

White Noise

"But that's not you.... in those pictures and in those clothes?" he said.
"But it is, don't you see it?" she whispered. "Right there..."
"I think I can get it now... why you'd want to look that way. Why you want to be that."
She hesitated to respond. They both knew the answer.
"It's so you can be invisible."

...never wanted to feel
never wanted to show...
i'm weak...

It's just white fading into white, the only thing that could be real is those eyes.
Those eyes that pierce...

Happy 18th Birthday- Here's to looking forward...

"In silence we rise and we fall, here for today then we're gone
In the time that we take to look back
These days and these moments have passed
Then we're gone"
You by Binocular

http://www.allthelyrics.com/lyrics/smallville_soundtrack/binocular_you-lyrics-79355.html

Far From Here

"That's your last one,"
The bartender will say
While I'm hunched over the stool
Having thrown the night away

"Did you have something in mind?"
The wedding planner might wonder
If I decide to love
Forgive, relive, fix every blunder

"Why didn't you see this coming?"
The counsellor shakes her head
As I sit still, not knowing
What I'd thought, what I'd once said

"Look at me now!"
I will scream one day
When I'm happy and proud
Life finally going my way

I may fail
But I will fight
I may be wrong
Only to find what's right
The up's and down's will be a surprise
But with every in and out I'll continue to rise

The world's for your taking, just grab on tight
It's a blank slate and it's mine to write

I Am My Father's Daughter

If you left me yesterday
Or if you were to leave me tomorrow
It wouldn't matter
Because I'd still be you today

I will burn, no, I will torch
Everything around me
I will hurt and I will scar
Everyone who loves me
I will be up and I will be down
Until I find there's no peace in between

You've done it all
I learned from the best

I learned to love
To feel apathy
I learned how to deal
To surpress
I learned to save
To abandon

I became the shadow
Of my very own beast

I built a life I love
So I can tear it down
So I can feel the pain I need
So I can express myself
So I can destroy
Thinking I will recreate
A paradise
Where I can be everything that I'm not
Where I can be myself
Where I can run from you

But I will be stuck in this place, in my carnage
A wasteland
Because I am your daughter
I am you

What's Beautiful

The sun is a ball of fire. A hot mass of literal flames, yet also a catalyst to ecstasy and bliss. It’s amazing that this scientific agent of light and energy can also be a mechanism for something as abstract as happiness.
In the winter months, there is a curtain of darkness that dampens the sky. The coat of grey wraps the world in sadness. Tangible and bleak disarray.
I feel winter pulling at my heart strings like a malicious puppeteer, but spring is the kind harpist that takes over.
The world is brighter, lighter and warmed in spring. Spring hugs you and kisses you, loves you so you're not alone. To live with this feeling ...of blue skies hanging over, a bright twinkle in your eyes, and light air in your heart, how wonderful that would be.
I feel this way with nostalgic remnants- sketches, books, faint memories, fragrances, anime, chocolate, video games, photos, scrapbooks. I feel this way with life- sunshine, storms, family, rain, good friends, poems, full moons, and love.
Life's a beauty.
Sometimes.
Isn't it?

I... I can't believe... Fuck... Did I just say I loved you?

Well
You have to understand
I mean... I've really missed you...
And when...
I get so damn emotional... I say things...I write things

I might begin to think about love and stuff...

I want to
Take it back
I don't want to
Admit it yet
Love anyone

It's just... I'm afraid...
Of giving my heart away
Being vulnerable
Not being loved

Did I overwhelm you?
Do you think I'm wrong?
Crazy?
Love easily? I swear! I don't!!

Can you just remember this started when you said
... maybe you loved me?

Lie to Me... I Know You Will

I miss the Peyton Sawyer days of One Tree Hill. While she was there I watched every episode. And there was such a harsh, beautiful, poetic nature about her character.
But anyways, it's not so much P.Sawyer I care about, it's more her message. Yes, people do always LIE. I mean, she's more famous for saying 'people always leave' so much more but still.
I keep wondering why there isn't anyone in my life who wouldn't mind being HONEST with me. And I think that's pretty hard. Promising not to lie to a person is different and easier than promising to always tell them the truth. Cause it's called fucking OMISSION. And people, they fucking love it. Of course, that doesn't hurt as much as FABRICATION. When someone lies to my face about stupid shit cause they think I'm just dumb, or gullible- that hurts more. You'd be surprised how many people do it. And then there is stretching the truth, and bullshit, and white lies. So many types of ways to slap people in the face.

Your family does it, your friends do it, your boyfriend does it. Fuck, your dog probably does it too. The government does it, your teachers do it- corporations, countries, children, panhandlers, saints, ghosts, girl scouts, enemies, loved ones.

In front of your face and behind your back. Everyone, just everyone. And with all these people lying to me? Well, I'm just about done. Aren't you?