Inspired by Sonia G.

"Life is a game and we're all players. Some of them are just better than others." - S.G.

The haters, the traitors, the backstabbers and the fakers. Just get lost. I just want to say... I'm so past through with you. I'll play this game right because it's just one shot and I know I want to win it. So be gone, back off. Stop clouding up my sunshine, and dampening my parade. If you want to bring the rain, then you better make it pour, and if you want you can join me while I dance but don't even try to wash me out.
I'm reaching out and I'm reaching in, all to find what's real. To find what matters and what I need.
I don't need any haters... and you fakers? You're the worst. I know what you're doing, I see that you're lying... maybe I don't say it, but that's only because I don't want to start something. I know I've been a fool...
But no... no. I won't lie down. You can't make me. Don't walk on me... I'm no door mat.
I'm alive, so I'll be living. And that means dreaming, fighting, saving, hoping, feeling... trying.
I'll take my chances. I'll risk and I'll jump. But watch me fly... don't stick around to see if I fall or sink. I know I might... but that's not the end. I'll swim across the horizons. I'll conquer.
I'll keep being me.

Staring Into My Soul

Full blown and fortified, standing strong with hands untied
I'm back
Searching for the pieces, the answers, lost time, the people who said goodbye
My debt is infinite
Crawling, pacing, slowing spinning circles around the unavoidable
Those eyes
Staring, piercing, looking, and more than simply prying
Into my soul
Changing, destorying, recreating, transforming, mutilating
What I knew
Dying slowly as she is falling, fighting, failing, disappearing
Into it all
Turning back, I will grab and pull and reach, search and dig and find
Every bit of her
Laughing, singing, smiling, and dreaming up the world that sheltered her
The girl I knew

I Just Watched 500 Days of Summer

It reminded me to breathe.
And I feel like I actually get what that means. To take a big breath, gulp down that air and fill up your lungs. Exhale all the stale pent up stuff and let it out. See everything like it's new- see it like it's the first time you've seen it. Or the last time you ever will.

This movie reminded that love is broader and bigger than can really be understood. It can not be confined. Not to one type of relationship or one person. Not to one method of expression, or even one simple feeling.
Love is when someone hugs you before they go. It's when someone sticks out a hand to help you out, or to help you up. It's when someone teaches you something you want to learn, or that you needed to know. It's when someone opens your eyes. It's when they take the time to wake you up, even if you're going to be cranky, rather than setting an alarm. It's when they make you breakfast or pack you lunch. It's when they listen to you ramble and when you cry. It's when they laugh with you. It's when they hold your hand. It's when they remind you to dream and to live. And mostly, it's when you return every single gesture with one or your own.
Love is so complex, because I'd bet it's very simple. I can't say for sure, because I'm not even one hundred per cent certain. But, it's the simple things that are hard to get because there isn't much to it and it's harder to learn. You find simplicity everywhere, in all the tiny things. Just like love. You might not even realize the amount of 'I love you's you get in a day. But with all that, you can't find text books on it or research materials.... actually, heck, you probably can. But it won't really count. You probably already have your own answer and it's hidden somewhere deep and obvious... you just haven't realized it. And that's what's tough. Looking for the answer we already have, because everything else will always look wrong in comparison.

Pace

Can you take this broken boy? And put the pieces back as one? Though he has all of his toys... He is never having fun.
Because it's not enough, now we're growing up, we are giving up, we are moving on.
(some lyrics - A Town Called Hypocrisy by Lost Prophets)

We're being pushed to move at a speed far beyond our capacity. We're breaking from the strain, and screaming out in pain.
But no one hears it. They turn away even though they feel it too, because in the end no one wants to acknowledge failure.
And there is this pressure to be perfect- beautiful, thin, popular, smart.
If you have to bend over backwards, so be it. But how flexible can one person be? Do you find out only once they have been broken?
You can dive into deep waters, or you can be pushed. In the end, you find a way to sink or swim.

The Unavoidable Thinking Time

I really wonder what people think about before they fall asleep at night.

Your dreams are one thing, but usually you can't control them. In a way that's what is beautiful about them. They can be reckless and wild, bold and daring, raw and unprotected. Truly an honest reflection of your mind and thoughts. So raw and true... you don't always understand them. They may be scattered and confusing, even ridiculous. And that's only if you remember them.

But before that, you're in control. You have this period of time that is sort of allotted for your thoughts every day. You don't even mean to have it there. But it almost always is, isn't it? That moment that can stretch from seconds to hours. It's that moment when you crawl into bed and wait for sleep to come.

What else is there to do but think? Count sheep? Count those dots on the ceiling?

Usually I make up story lines, like a TV series. Going on, and on, continuously. Sometimes I rant silently - but viciously- about anything that bugs me. Once, I ranted about the stupidity of WW2, and how it should never have happened, from 3 till 5 am. I rant this way when my brain is full, but my soul empty. When I feel numb, or mentally exhausted with too much to say and not enough time to say it in, or enough courage. Sometimes not enough people to listen.

Sometimes I daydream- technically nightdream- about going off to university. I even dream about being twenty something with a career, house, and success. Having a library in that house, with a coffee machine, big windows and comfy sofas. A place, any place, where I can spend hours doing nothing, but sitting in silence- a sanctuary. I dream about having a world one hundred percent my own. I dream these things when I feel like my own world is so small, or even non-existent. I dream about the future to run from the present.

Sometimes I imagine having a family before I fall asleep. Not that one I have - not that I don't want them- but one with my own kids, and -maybe- Mr. Right, if I'm that lucky. One where we can eat dinner together, whether it's at the table, or even sitting out on a porch swing with darkness all around us or the setting sun. A place to change all the mistakes I lived through. A place that's loving, and inviting. At least some of the time. I imagine having all this when I want to have some control on my life that spirals this way and that. Volleying between various people calling the shots, but never me. I imagine this when I want to fill my heart up, because it feels hallow and completely depleted of love.

I think that my thoughts before I fall asleep, though controlled, are very raw. They are the happiest thoughts, and brightest hopes I can imagine. I admit that I sometimes force myself to make it more realistic and less imaginary... because one of biggest secret fears is hoping too much. Dreaming too big, and then being let down.

Those thoughts are the only time I experience my mind limitlessly, because I usually don't even remember what I dream. But if the next closest thing is the thoughts right before, I can't help but be curious as to what everyone else thinks...

R.I.P

"What do you do when your best friend goes one day? Somebody takes their life away...
And of all the evil souls that do survive, how could this world take such a beautiful life?"

It was taken for granted that I'd see your face again, and your smile that lit everyone up. I remember that smile the best. It was one you were always passing on to other people just because you could.
It was your father's smile... but he doesn't wear it now. His eyes are hollow, as he is the ghost of the man he was when you were here.
A part of the world seems to have fallen away as you fell away from us. All of the peace, safety, and reassurance that life once had, has shattered.
Perhaps you have finally taught me to live life as if everyday was my last day. But the price to learn such a lesson is far too high.
Missing you feels unreal because of the wall that is your loss. It says that you are dead. Just that bluntly.
Whenever I see it I want to turn away, but now I am forced to face it and see it as truth. But how the hell do I get over it?
Not just me... how do I pull your father over it? Your mother and sister, who do their best to stay strong but dissolve into tears when someone hugs them. Your brother, who has known you all your life. Your friends who tried to save you... but watched you fade away.
Your life was a blessing in ours. We will always remember that and carry it with us.
Now I pray you rest in peace and that you will forever watch over your family and friends, and be in their dreams.
We love you.

Pulse

The tears drip from my eyes like springs of water breaking through fresh soil. I resist the urge to break into a run. I hear my name being called from down the hallway. I won't turn.
He catches up with me and says, "Didn't you hear me calling you? ... Are you crying?"
I just can't answer.
Hope comes in all shapes and sizes, and presently it stands before me in the form of double doors. I push through them and into the fresh air that sends my mind reeling.
"Hey wait!"
A warm hand closes around my wrist, stopping me dead in my tracks. Despite the fact I know who it is, I turn. The heat seeps into my veins, like life itself.
I am suddenly aware that, although the distance between us is quite lengthy, his fingers are touching my pulse, making him feel closer. It is baffling to find that someone can be far away, but still find a way to feel the beats of your heart.

Careful, tip-toed steps wander through the expanse of glass. It's broken and all too late to fix.
Memories carry the past like a tidal wave, crashing forward.
---
The world was just beyond the problems, and he couldn't wait for it.
There was no time to fix anything.
No one stayed back to pick up the pieces...
And he ran in circles. Did anything to avoid it.
He couldn't even get very far before there was someting new he had broken
He moved on, but it wasn't right.
He was moving away from it.
But he had never faced it to be able to grow from it.
---
Now he sinks to the ground, a wasteland. See all that he's destroyed, all he could have fixed.
Watching this, she releases her breathe, held for so long.
She sighs and whispers to the darkness in her room, with no one but the moon and its light bearing witness:
Why is it so much better to run from what happens and burry yourself alone, then to admit that you felt something, and maybe try to get through it, rather then just over it?

Shut Out

For days now she's been running through those empty corridors, chasing after every open door. But every single last one.... slams in her face.
Too late...
She turns around to see the mess she's made and crys for help.
It was sudden, but then it wasn't... shouldn't she have known all this would happen? That she could make the same mistakes twice?
She pounds on the doors but they never open.
Her tears spill to the floor.
She gets up and does the only thing she can- she starts to run again. And she runs... and runs, and runs.
But she gives up now. Her back sliding down the wall.

"Won't you help me?" she whispers

"Can't you hear me?" she shouts, "I hate you for leaving me!"

And she hates not hating them at all.

Sunshine and Happiness

And just like that it came to me. I knew why I loved that place so much.
It made energy like sunshine that gave me so much power. It was positivity and light I could... I could feed off of. I didn't realize how much I thirsted for it before.
It was the same feeling of going on rollercoasters in the summer. Being able to scream at the top of your lungs, being so high up, feeling so care free.
It had the same feeling of being in the shower and having your tears dissolve into the drops of water and be erased as if pain never exsisted.
It had the same feeling of being given a hug by your best friend, one that is so strong, you feel like you will never fall again because this hug will hold you up.
It is simply the most nourishing energy for a soul, but one you can be starved of and never even know.
It is happiness.

Drift

When I was little, my mother used to tell me that the wind would come and carry me away because I was so light. Maybe I was afraid at first, not knowing, just going and being carried away. Either way, I only remember laughing at such a silly thing. But then I was so light, like all children are in their freedom. Now when the world weighs down so heavily on me... and threathens to only tighten its hold, I find I would want to be carried away. See something unknown, something new, or just something old from a new perspective. Just as long as I can drift away.

Her Belief

Her fingers press against the cold glass
as she forgets the past.
Her memories won't last,
without all those old photographs

Is she waiting for answers?
Or does she just wait for the rain to come,
and wash it all away?
And maybe, just maybe,
the sun will bring a new day...

She won't break through the bitter cold air.
But would stop for soft falling snow,
because it's a mirage of merriment not meant to exsist.
At least, not through this frigid mist .

But she chooses to believe
that spring will melt it away .
She chooses to believe in these promises
She chooses to wait for a better day...

Once Upon A Time The Children Played

k.s. says:
I think this happens to a lot of people, and I have no idea how to go about it. I think the thing is, when you're little... very different people can easily be friends. But when you're older similarities melt away and ur more of a defined person... and sometimes those different people don't gel. So what do we do next when presented with the past? We could ignore it... maybe embrace the new relationship and try to make it work? I don't really know, I think the answer is a mystery...
the silent one says:
but i guess we deal with it when it comes around
k.s. says:
Yeah... I guess we just deal with it when it comes around.

Once upon a time the children played, and filled their days with laughter. Difference was limited to views on ice cream flavours, favourite superheros, and board games.
But like so many things, time moved by and time brought change. This change was more then some could withstand. It brought controversy and opinions, personality and character.
Seeing eye to eye, was suddenly so much harder. Somehow everything simple became complex.

The Heart Only Feels What The Eye Chooses To See

"I'll be here by the ocean just waiting for proof that there's
Sunsets and silhouette dreams
While my sand castle falls like the ashes of cigerettes and
Every wave drags me to sea
I could stand here for hours just to ask God the question
'Is everyone here make-believe?'
With a tear in his voice he said
'Son Thats the question,'
Does this deafening silence mean nothing to no one but me?"

And so those are the dreams I hold in reality's light, just pretending that it will all change. Keeping my heart turned away from the truth and my eyes on the prize, because it's the only thing worth seeing.
My second biggest slip up is flinching and glancing back at what could have been... then looking forward and seeing all that could be, but not for me.
Even worse is the fate I shall likely suffer when I finally open my eyes. My ungrateful regard to everything so far will come alive. And when all I took for granted is one day gone, I'll know it's true worth. Though I never have before. My heart will finally feel all the hurt, but mostly the regret of the predicament trapping me inside.

Just For Right Now

Just for now I'll be happy. Because I feel light and free and I want to keep this part of me. Forever feel safe .... independent but not alone or lonely. Lifted to my feet, so ready to fly, but really just coast... for a little while. I'll land once again, maybe tomorrow or next week. I'll be grounded to the seas torn away from my skies. It won't last for long, because it never does. But what I know for sure is that it's beyond this moment. Cause happiness is all that really matters... just for right now.

Imagining

I often imagine I'm on a bridge. I'm just standing on the railing. It's like the cross roads between life and death. If I fall... I loose it all. But if I stepped down I just go back to it all... keep on living. But I'm not thinking about jumping or anything. In fact the bridge isn't even up high enough. But I'm looking up. It's as if I'm hoping that if I jump I'll be like a little bird and fly away. The sun is always right over head and my arms are always out... as if maybe, just maybe, I could grab the sky, the sun, and all it's warmth and peace. But I know I can't so I just imagine.

Dear Diary,

(just a piece of me ... even more uncensored than usual!)

January 16th, 2009
............. There’s something that my sister said that I found odd and harsh, but rather eye-opening to me. She said “I love loneliness, it creates individuality.” It’s silly I guess. No one wants to be alone, but when all you have is time to think, your brain grows into something amazing. It turns into a mind, so beautiful and complex. You analyze and decipher your pain and suffering so you can grow from it. You really need that, because people will be there for you and they can guide you. But like they say “You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink.”
I actually realized that thing about your brain in English class when a girl did a presentation about a book called ‘Middlesex’. The quote was, “Biology gives you a brain. Life turns it into a mind.” It’s just like the first episode of ‘Full Metal Alchemist’. I know... I’m running way too many ideas here, but go with me on this. Ed reads out all the ingredients of a human, they are basic ingredients that you can buy at a local grocery store. But they don’t make a person. He points out that there is just something else in the equation. I would say that’s a soul, something you can’t buy or create.
We’re human; so much more then anything science can create and define. And because we are human we need to rise from the ashes, to become something new. 'What doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger.' Which also makes me think of ---… She once said she wanted to go through a serious breakup. She didn’t actually want a breakup; she explained that she just wanted the experience of growing strong from something like that. She actually used the quote “What doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger”, so it always reminds me of her. Ironically, I think that what she went through is just that. But it’s not as simple as a breakup. She went through serious crap. And she’s growing from it. It’s hard for her to trust people, and I get that. But I just think one day she will look back, and maybe want to thank the people who… pretty much fucked her life up. She’s a strong person, with some lingering wounds of mistrust. But, you can see the strength prevailing in her eyes. She even made a note on facebook with this quote from a song in the title. The quote was, “She had war summer eyes that flickered like fireflies.” I have no idea what that meant in relevance to the song, but she has those eyes. They are bright eyes, so fierce and alive when she thinks. You can tell so much from people’s eyes... The depth of her eyes inspires me.
So anyway, I was just thinking that sometimes you have to pick yourself off the floor. And of course if you want people in your life, you need to leave the doors open, so no pushing them away. Just don't give up on the world and don't stop believing it can be a good kind place. I suppose it doesn't look like it. But people like --- sort of remind me that it's there. A bit hidden in war, misery, and all that suffering that's spreading like fire over the world...Yet, there are people getting up everyday. Rising from the ashes and charging through the smoke and flames.
-k.s.

In Sand and Stone

When I was just a little girl my mother always said...

If someone hurts you and does something wrong,

Write it in the sand.

But if someone helps you and does something to make you smile,

Carve it into stone.

It should always be this way and not the other way around, because the bad things should blow away in the wind.

And the good will last forever for you to remember.