I really wonder what people think about before they fall asleep at night.
Your dreams are one thing, but usually you can't control them. In a way that's what is beautiful about them. They can be reckless and wild, bold and daring, raw and unprotected. Truly an honest reflection of your mind and thoughts. So raw and true... you don't always understand them. They may be scattered and confusing, even ridiculous. And that's only if you remember them.
But before that, you're in control. You have this period of time that is sort of allotted for your thoughts every day. You don't even mean to have it there. But it almost always is, isn't it? That moment that can stretch from seconds to hours. It's that moment when you crawl into bed and wait for sleep to come.
What else is there to do but think? Count sheep? Count those dots on the ceiling?
Usually I make up story lines, like a TV series. Going on, and on, continuously. Sometimes I rant silently - but viciously- about anything that bugs me. Once, I ranted about the stupidity of WW2, and how it should never have happened, from 3 till 5 am. I rant this way when my brain is full, but my soul empty. When I feel numb, or mentally exhausted with too much to say and not enough time to say it in, or enough courage. Sometimes not enough people to listen.
Sometimes I daydream- technically nightdream- about going off to university. I even dream about being twenty something with a career, house, and success. Having a library in that house, with a coffee machine, big windows and comfy sofas. A place, any place, where I can spend hours doing nothing, but sitting in silence- a sanctuary. I dream about having a world one hundred percent my own. I dream these things when I feel like my own world is so small, or even non-existent. I dream about the future to run from the present.
Sometimes I imagine having a family before I fall asleep. Not that one I have - not that I don't want them- but one with my own kids, and -maybe- Mr. Right, if I'm that lucky. One where we can eat dinner together, whether it's at the table, or even sitting out on a porch swing with darkness all around us or the setting sun. A place to change all the mistakes I lived through. A place that's loving, and inviting. At least some of the time. I imagine having all this when I want to have some control on my life that spirals this way and that. Volleying between various people calling the shots, but never me. I imagine this when I want to fill my heart up, because it feels hallow and completely depleted of love.
I think that my thoughts before I fall asleep, though controlled, are very raw. They are the happiest thoughts, and brightest hopes I can imagine. I admit that I sometimes force myself to make it more realistic and less imaginary... because one of biggest secret fears is hoping too much. Dreaming too big, and then being let down.
Those thoughts are the only time I experience my mind limitlessly, because I usually don't even remember what I dream. But if the next closest thing is the thoughts right before, I can't help but be curious as to what everyone else thinks...
