1/29/09
Imagining
I often imagine I'm on a bridge. I'm just standing on the railing. It's like the cross roads between life and death. If I fall... I loose it all. But if I stepped down I just go back to it all... keep on living. But I'm not thinking about jumping or anything. In fact the bridge isn't even up high enough. But I'm looking up. It's as if I'm hoping that if I jump I'll be like a little bird and fly away. The sun is always right over head and my arms are always out... as if maybe, just maybe, I could grab the sky, the sun, and all it's warmth and peace. But I know I can't so I just imagine.
1/21/09
Dear Diary,
(just a piece of me ... even more uncensored than usual!)
January 16th, 2009
............. There’s something that my sister said that I found odd and harsh, but rather eye-opening to me. She said “I love loneliness, it creates individuality.” It’s silly I guess. No one wants to be alone, but when all you have is time to think, your brain grows into something amazing. It turns into a mind, so beautiful and complex. You analyze and decipher your pain and suffering so you can grow from it. You really need that, because people will be there for you and they can guide you. But like they say “You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink.”
I actually realized that thing about your brain in English class when a girl did a presentation about a book called ‘Middlesex’. The quote was, “Biology gives you a brain. Life turns it into a mind.” It’s just like the first episode of ‘Full Metal Alchemist’. I know... I’m running way too many ideas here, but go with me on this. Ed reads out all the ingredients of a human, they are basic ingredients that you can buy at a local grocery store. But they don’t make a person. He points out that there is just something else in the equation. I would say that’s a soul, something you can’t buy or create.
We’re human; so much more then anything science can create and define. And because we are human we need to rise from the ashes, to become something new. 'What doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger.' Which also makes me think of ---… She once said she wanted to go through a serious breakup. She didn’t actually want a breakup; she explained that she just wanted the experience of growing strong from something like that. She actually used the quote “What doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger”, so it always reminds me of her. Ironically, I think that what she went through is just that. But it’s not as simple as a breakup. She went through serious crap. And she’s growing from it. It’s hard for her to trust people, and I get that. But I just think one day she will look back, and maybe want to thank the people who… pretty much fucked her life up. She’s a strong person, with some lingering wounds of mistrust. But, you can see the strength prevailing in her eyes. She even made a note on facebook with this quote from a song in the title. The quote was, “She had war summer eyes that flickered like fireflies.” I have no idea what that meant in relevance to the song, but she has those eyes. They are bright eyes, so fierce and alive when she thinks. You can tell so much from people’s eyes... The depth of her eyes inspires me.
So anyway, I was just thinking that sometimes you have to pick yourself off the floor. And of course if you want people in your life, you need to leave the doors open, so no pushing them away. Just don't give up on the world and don't stop believing it can be a good kind place. I suppose it doesn't look like it. But people like --- sort of remind me that it's there. A bit hidden in war, misery, and all that suffering that's spreading like fire over the world...Yet, there are people getting up everyday. Rising from the ashes and charging through the smoke and flames.
-k.s.
January 16th, 2009
............. There’s something that my sister said that I found odd and harsh, but rather eye-opening to me. She said “I love loneliness, it creates individuality.” It’s silly I guess. No one wants to be alone, but when all you have is time to think, your brain grows into something amazing. It turns into a mind, so beautiful and complex. You analyze and decipher your pain and suffering so you can grow from it. You really need that, because people will be there for you and they can guide you. But like they say “You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink.”
I actually realized that thing about your brain in English class when a girl did a presentation about a book called ‘Middlesex’. The quote was, “Biology gives you a brain. Life turns it into a mind.” It’s just like the first episode of ‘Full Metal Alchemist’. I know... I’m running way too many ideas here, but go with me on this. Ed reads out all the ingredients of a human, they are basic ingredients that you can buy at a local grocery store. But they don’t make a person. He points out that there is just something else in the equation. I would say that’s a soul, something you can’t buy or create.
We’re human; so much more then anything science can create and define. And because we are human we need to rise from the ashes, to become something new. 'What doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger.' Which also makes me think of ---… She once said she wanted to go through a serious breakup. She didn’t actually want a breakup; she explained that she just wanted the experience of growing strong from something like that. She actually used the quote “What doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger”, so it always reminds me of her. Ironically, I think that what she went through is just that. But it’s not as simple as a breakup. She went through serious crap. And she’s growing from it. It’s hard for her to trust people, and I get that. But I just think one day she will look back, and maybe want to thank the people who… pretty much fucked her life up. She’s a strong person, with some lingering wounds of mistrust. But, you can see the strength prevailing in her eyes. She even made a note on facebook with this quote from a song in the title. The quote was, “She had war summer eyes that flickered like fireflies.” I have no idea what that meant in relevance to the song, but she has those eyes. They are bright eyes, so fierce and alive when she thinks. You can tell so much from people’s eyes... The depth of her eyes inspires me.
So anyway, I was just thinking that sometimes you have to pick yourself off the floor. And of course if you want people in your life, you need to leave the doors open, so no pushing them away. Just don't give up on the world and don't stop believing it can be a good kind place. I suppose it doesn't look like it. But people like --- sort of remind me that it's there. A bit hidden in war, misery, and all that suffering that's spreading like fire over the world...Yet, there are people getting up everyday. Rising from the ashes and charging through the smoke and flames.
-k.s.
1/2/09
In Sand and Stone
When I was just a little girl my mother always said...
If someone hurts you and does something wrong,
Write it in the sand.
But if someone helps you and does something to make you smile,
Carve it into stone.
It should always be this way and not the other way around, because the bad things should blow away in the wind.
And the good will last forever for you to remember.
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