I've just been thinking... about people. And this stems from a darker moment of mine I suppose. Earlier this week... I was just very lonely I guess. Yes, let's put it down to that, it's simplest. And I needed to speak to someone.. but people were busy, studying, or maybe not awake yet. So... while I'm not proud to admit it... (even though I don't think there is anything wrong with it)... I called Kids Help Phone. Now this was actually a very good idea. And soon the confused and uncertain feeling inside of me was dissolving into tears as I spoke to this stranger.
But see this stranger, I felt was very important. We spoke for a while, not just about myself, but him as well. How he'd lost his mother, and how he was going to have a quite Christmas. I'm not saying that this was life changing, but in 45 minutes a stranger had learned some of the most intimate details of my life, told me his, and even helped me cope. All I know is that his name is Leroy... and I probably won't even speak to him again... I won't be able to even thank him.
The revelation that came from this was came from the fact I found myself constantly saying his name... I'd whisper it, enunciate it, sometimes it was like I was chewing on it... tasting it. I realized I was trying not to forget it. And I'm probably half writing about Leroy now so I will never forget to be grateful to this stranger who was in my life for not even a day or even an hour.
Then I got to thinking about my high school friends. How this is my last year with them in school. Things are about to change and I wonder if we'll still talk? I promise not to loose touch and so do they. But how many times do people hear these promises but they don't get kept? I hear it all the time... because there are so many people, so many friends, how do you remember all of them? Hold onto that bond? Is it out of your hands? Through the course of high school, I already am forgetting those kids I met in my first year, those whom I had one or two classes with and never spoke to again. I wonder if they remember me, or ever think of the times we had together. Even if it was just though simple science or math classes.
Already I've let so many people pass by from YRPC... MEI... the friendships linger and fade. But I think these friends I have at school are different. I don't want to be old and grey somewhere thinking back on these people and wondering what there lives have become. I want them to be next to me.
There are kids from the elementary I went to in Kitchener that I still think of. Recently I found some of them on facebook and was amazed at how different they looked, the people they'd become. I don't want that to be my fate with these friends. I will surely meet new people. But if you knew how much I loved these girls... well... then you would know this is different.
There is something to be said about time and impact... and circumstance too. I couldn't continue to know Leroy even though I may think it would be nice. And there were passers-by but not any one I believe I love very strongly. I may have shared a roof, food, and tears with the YRPC and MEI kids... and yes, memories... a great closeness in a short period of time. That's what keep me in touch with them. The fact that it is not constant I blame on time and proximity. They are far away and the amount of time I had with them wasn't enough to make me feel I need them
But the friends I have from school? They're my girls, and I know that I would miss them.
I can only go so long with out my phone conversations with Mel, my advice from Sam, Kim's understanding and her music, Sab's humour and sweet nature, Krista's smile and ability to share her light-heartedness, and Ashley's kindness and strength. All of that history...
When I am 80, these four years may seem like a fleeting glance... It will become only a twentieth of my life. But say I died tomorrow... Yes, that's morbid. But right now, at just under 18, these four years make up nearly a quarter of my life. More importantly it's my present. It's what consumes me.
There is nothing more important to me than the things that make me happy right now. So I don't care if the distance is 6 hours or 12 or more, I won't let these precious things -these memories, this love- fade away.
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